Potty Training Explained

Potty training can feel overwhelming. Many parents get downright stressed about potty training, and for good reason: this is the first time you’re teaching your young child something that has to be done in a very specific order, with a very specific outcome. Using the potty is a skill that’s entirely new, and it’s one they’ll be using for the rest of their life. It’s also a good way to save on costs for growing toddlers.

If you have not potty trained yet, I recommend that you grab the chance to do it while we’re all sheltering in place. Since you’re already stuck at home, you might as well potty train your toddler. My favorite potty training method is “Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right” by Jamie Glowacki. The downside of this method is that you can’t leave the house at the beginning. That’s why I say you should do it now.

I read the book cover to cover before I started training. I do not recommend that you skip over reading the through the book. You can get through Chapters 1-5 in a couple of hours, and then you will be very well prepared for this endeavor. The author really knows what she is talking about and helps you understand her methodology in detail. Her method works. My daughter had the basics down in about three weeks.

There’s also popular alternatives like “Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day” by Teri Crane and “Toilet Training in Less than a Day” by Nathan H. Azrin and Richard M. Foxx.

When to Start

Some experts recommend starting potty training when your child is between 20 and 30 months. This window seems to be the when your child can learn this skill with the least amount of conscious effort. You can do it sooner, but it will likely be more challenging. You can do it later, but power struggles and fights become much more common.

You also need to look for signs that your child is ready to start using the potty. These can be:

If they go off by themselves to poop
If they can communicate their needs. E.g.: they can ask for a glass of juice in some way
They can sing the ABC song

The most important marker of these three is likely the first. If your child is going to a private place to poop, it means they’re associating pooping with privacy, which is a natural and correct progression of development. This means that it’s time to start potty training.

Teaching Your Child Awareness

You can approach potty training as a series of blocks of learning, rather than a specific timeline. This is helpful because it takes the pressure off having a “set schedule.” Instead, focus on getting your child through each block, whether that block takes one day, one week, one month, or longer. Potty training will raise your child’s awareness about what’s happening in their body. Essentially, you’re going to guide your child through these levels of awareness:

Clueless. Diaper-wearing children are, for the most part, clueless that they’ve peed. They pee as they play, and they don’t see it. Before potty training, this is where your child is.
I Peed. Once potty training begins, on Day One, your child will become aware of the process of peeing. Think of this as the “surprise” phase, as in, “Oh, look! I just peed! It’s on the floor!”
I’m Peeing. The next stage of awareness is the act itself. Your child will quickly learn to look down and watch himself going pee; they will know what they’re doing, and they’ll pay more attention to what’s happening.
I Have to Go Pee. This is the Holy Grail of awareness, when your child can feel he has to go pee, and they can let you know before they start to go.

Potty Training Learning Blocks

You can break down potty training into six main learning blocks:

Block 1: Peeing and pooping while naked, with or without prompting

Remove the diapers from the home. Say “bye-bye diapers” with your child.
Keep your child completely naked for the whole day and watch them like a hawk. Buy prepared meals or warm up something frozen.
Stare at your child all day. When you see them start to pee (or poop) or you can just tell they’re about to, move them to the potty. Tell them plainly, “pee goes in the potty.”
You will figure out their poop signs first, trust the method when it comes to figuring out their pee signs.

Block 2: Peeing and pooping with clothes on (but no underwear) with or without prompting

Put clothes on your child but not underwear. They’ll go like this for approximately one month. When children are accustomed to eliminating into a diaper, any clothing will trigger them to go in their pants. Go for pants with elastic bands that you can pull down quickly, or even just dresses for girls.
In this block, you can take small outings. After your toddler uses the toilet, take a walk around the block. Nothing too ambitious–set your child up to be able to get back in before they need to pee again.

Block 3: Peeing and pooping in different situations, with or without prompting

Now you can take longer outings.
Make sure your little one pees before you leave. That means you wait until they go.
Don’t have them sit for a long period of time, because that goes against this approach’s methodology.
Same goes for naptime and bedtime. Be a little flexible, allowing them to go before you put them down, even if you are electing to hold off on night training–personally I night trained six months after I day trained.

Block 4: Peeing and pooping with underpants, with or without prompting

Introduce underpants. You can do this about three to five weeks from the time you start potty training.

Block 5: Consistent self-initiation—child will go potty without prompting

Block 5 is not something you do, it’s something your child does.
You will notice that he begins to consistently (if not 100%) self-initiate. That is when you have transitioned to a potty-trained child.
Ease up on prompting at this point, but don’t stop completely. Continue to prompt before you leave the house, before bed, or any other time that just makes sense.
Block 5 generally happens around three weeks after you start training.

Block 6: Dry nighttime and naps

This seems like a long list, but you won’t be tackling it all at once. Your goal is to make sure your child has each learning block down pat before you move on to the next one.

How long all this takes depends entirely on the child. Each child is different, which is why you shouldn’t set an exact timeline. If you try to rush your child through this process to stay on a schedule, you’ll run into problems since accidents and power struggles will increase exponentially.

Instead, you can set a very loose timeline as a guide. For example, your child will spend a day or two in Block One, a week in Block Two, and so on. But you have to stay flexible. If your child sails through Block One no problem, then starts having lots of accidents in Block Two, then you know to go back and spend more time in Block One.

That’s what makes this approach so effective. It’s much easier to identify where you went wrong should you get off track.

You’re also going to need a stretch of time to be at home with your child when you do this—at least three or four days. You can do it over a long weekend. Also, clear your social calendar for at least a week, which means no dinners out, no toddler playdates, nothing. Your job is to first teach your child this important skill, then boost their confidence and self-esteem by ensuring they can do it well before rushing them back out into the world.

What I Learned

“Oh Crap! Potty Training” is comprehensive. Some of the things I learned include:

What to Do About Pooping. Pooping on the potty is a huge deal. There is an entire chapter on pooping. It’s the longest chapter in the book.
What to Do About Power Struggles. Power struggles, resistance, and general potty drama is going to happen even if you’re a potty-training superstar. The book covers just about every situation you can think of, and outlines how to deal with each one. I found this to be a lifesaver.
How to Handle Nighttime and Naps. Nighttime and naps are tricky, and you’ll learn how to successfully get your child to sleep without wetting the bed or crib.
How to Handle Daycare. How to get your daycare or another caregiver on board with this approach. After I got through the whole process with my twins, I donated the book to their preschool.
What to Do if You’ve Tried Potty Training Before. If you’ve tried potty training already and it didn’t go well, the book has plenty of advice on ways to get back on track.
How to Avoid Bribes. Bribing your child to go potty (especially to go poop) is tempting for many parents, especially when you need to be somewhere right now, and you need them to go. But it is a monumental mistake. There are ways to get your child to go without resorting to bribes, pleading, or threats.

Most of all, you’ll learn how to stay chill about this process. Staying relaxed about potty training will help your child stay relaxed about potty training, this is important for success.

The Two-Day Method

Here is a summary of the 2 (or 3)-day potty training method, which is my preferred method for potty training. It’s what worked really well for me. I simply read some of the popular books on the subject and combined the information with my personal experience to summarize this technique.

The first thing to do in the 2/3-day method of potty training is to figure out when is the best time to train. Give yourself a few weeks to prepare so you don’t feel rushed. If you are already staying at home with your child, then anytime is good.

For working parents, a week-long holiday is ideal (Christmas break, Spring break, etc.), but a three-day holiday weekend will suffice, especially if your child is a little older (two or so). I chose summertime. Summer works great because being naked is easy, but winter works too—especially during bad/cold weather when you’re cooped up inside anyway.

Once you’ve picked your dates, clear your calendar for those days: definitely all day on the first day and perhaps you can practice short outings on the second day. You can get out more on the third day. If you cannot clear your calendar for a whole weekend, then take shifts with your partner or another caretaker who can pitch in during your absence.

This really is an all or nothing thing. Remember: when you start this method, you are done with diapers—and the last thing you want to do is waver and put a diaper back on him; which will only undermine the process.

After toiling over the cloth versus disposable diapers decision, you’re now going to ditch the diapers completely. Your child is going to go naked from the waist down around the house the entire day. Your only job on is to watch your child. It’s so important to do nothing but watch your child. This means no phone, no laptop, no tablet, no watching TV, not even for five minutes.

Your goal is to watch your child continuously, and the moment you see them start to pee, move them to the potty. Don’t panic, don’t make a fanfare of it, simply say something like, “Oh sweetie, you’re peeing. Let’s go to the potty.” Every time they start to pee, you will do this.

What should you not do is panic or freak out when they pee on the floor. Stay neutral, especially early in the learning process. Don’t yell or chastise them for peeing on the floor. Just stay matter-of-fact.

Your Attention Is Imperative

There are reasons why your attention must be on your child continuously this first day. First, the moment you stop them in the act of peeing, you help them learn what it feels like to pee. It raises their awareness about what’s happening in their body. Remember, at this point they don’t really know they’re peeing. You have to show them what’s going on, and then show them that from now on that the correct place to pee is in the potty.

Second, constant attention will reduce the number of messes on the floor. The more your child can make it to the potty, and the more you praise them as a result, the more their confidence will grow. Soon they will feel like going on the potty is a big deal, something they want to do.

What to Expect

My personal Day One was the most exhausting parenting day I’ve ever had, as I was training twins simultaneously. I didn’t take my eyes off my twins the entire day, no book or blog post can adequately communicate how exhausting that can be.

Even with constant vigilance, there may still be messes on the floor. This is completely normal. You can always refer back to the book to see if you’re doing things right. The author advises again and again how important it is to stay flexible and make sure your child learns the first block before moving on to the next.

Insider Tips

To help you through the process, here are a few important lessons I learned while potty training:

Be Prepared for Day One

Make dinner the day before so you don’t have to cook or get takeout. If you have older children, arrange for them to have a sleepover. Do whatever you can beforehand to reduce your workload and commitments for this day. Potty training will be easier and more successful if your entire focus can be on this one child, for this one day.

Don’t Over-Prompt or Hover

Don’t constantly prompt your child to go use the potty. At some point, after Day One, you have to know when to remind them to go and then walk away. This might be the hardest thing for you to learn. Power struggles will quickly erupt if you over-prompt and hover. Find the right balance of prompting.

Remember Your Child Is Learning

After the first couple of days, you’ll probably feel ready for them to just get potty training down so you can get on with your own routine. It’s important to remember that this is no small thing they’re learning. You’ll need lots of patience, compassion, and a sense of humor. Especially a sense of humor.

Roll Up the Rugs

During potty training, it’s helpful to define a “safe space” where your child can roam and hang without you stressing about accidents, because they will happen. Ideally, this is a non-carpeted area, like hardwood or tile. Roll up the fine area rugs for now. This will help reduce your own stress when an accident happens, and easier potty training for your child. If your whole house is hardwood, you’re in great shape. If it’s warm outside, your backyard is a great place as well.

In a nutshell, during these two (or three) days, your child is simply going about his day: playing with toys, doing arts and crafts, playing games—except, he’ll be naked in the “safe area” and going to the potty. A lot.

Use Cloth Diapers for Cleanup

You’ll likely be doing a fair amount of cleanup early on. I had an ample supply of burp cloths on hand and found them to work great. I also saved money and reduced waste by avoiding paper towels.

Don’t Rush the Underwear

It’s best to wait at least three or four weeks before transitioning your child to underpants. The reason is that underwear feels like a diaper, which means accidents are far more likely if you put them on too soon.

Day 1

Some parents make a big deal of potty training, others do not. Simply pronounce the end of diapers, then throw the diapers away (but don’t really throw them away, you’ll need them for naptime and nighttime, for now).

Clothes Off

During Day 1 (and possibly Day 2), your toddler should always be naked from the waist down. A short dress (or top) works well, so long as it doesn’t get in the way. If it’s cold in your house, crank up the heat. You can use socks to keep their feet warm. Leg warmers are perfect too.

If you’re using a potty doll, now is a great time to introduce it. Show her how it works: “Poop and pee go in the potty”—then tell her to train the doll. During this time, the idea is that you want your child to pee frequently so he can get as much practice as possible in a short period of time. If your child only pees every two hours or so, it’s not really enough to reinforce the core concept.

Load your child up with more fluids than normal. Many parents use juice as an incentive. Take care not to overdo it with the sugar, though. Mixing juice with water is a good middle ground.

Now, we will be going to the potty to pee every 15-20 minutes or so—and to poop as needed. It’s up to you to find the fine line between too little and too much prompting. Try to stay close to the potty. Alternatively, you can bring the potty chair to whatever room you’re in. Or outside, even. Do this consistently and eventually your tot will begin to feel comfortable going in the potty. For now, little boys should pee sitting down. As he gets older, you can teach him how to do it standing up.

At Attention

The most important thing to note during the training days is that the parent on duty must give the child his/her full and undivided attention.

Your job is to enjoy spending time together with your toddler, all while taking him to pee in the potty every 20 minutes—or as soon as you see him start to pee. After a good 3-4 hours of this, you should start to see progress. It’s important to take him to the potty—as though it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

Do not ask, “Do you need to go?” The answer will almost always be “no.” Get into the habit of saying, “It’s time to go to the potty!” If he insists he doesn’t have to go, maybe he doesn’t, take him anyway. You’ll learn these things as you go. Mistakes will be made and that’s okay.

If when you take him to the potty, and he doesn’t, that’s okay. Nobody has failed, we just try again next in another 20 minutes. What you don’t want to do is sit on the potty all day waiting for something to come out. You’re not really accomplishing anything.

During potty training, be sure to keep the same meal/napping schedule; you want to maintain the normalcy of his routines as much as possible. The eventual goal is to have your child initiate going on her own, without prompting. For many, this is achieved in two days. For others, it may take a week. Even two. Do not fret, it will happen.

Accidents

Accidents will happen, but don’t get discouraged. Use them as learning opportunities. Do not say, “it’s okay.” Instead, say, “Oops! You had an accident. Pee and poop go in the potty.” Whatever you do, don’t freak out—doing so will only serve to frighten him. Again, simply say “Oops! You had an accident. Pee and poop go in the potty.”

Poop

About this…keep in mind that the feeling of pooping into the potty is totally foreign to your child— and can be a little scary. It feels like something is falling out of them. This is why many children may have a harder time with #2 than with #1. They may be frightened that it’s coming out. Say something like, “Let it fall out, you’re doing great!” Be prepared to give him some moral support. If they seem to desire more privacy when pooping, give it to them by stepping away for a moment. Sometimes, this works wonders.

If your child is straining to poop, it’s not normal—he’s probably constipated. This can make potty training more difficult. Time to amend his diet. Fewer processed foods, like crackers, pasta, bread, cheese, milk, etc. More fruit, vegetables, and whole grains.

Daycare, Other Caregivers, Etc.

Be sure to tell your daycare, nanny, and so forth exactly what’s going on and ask them to carry on your work. After all, it’s in their best interest to help, no? Try not to revert back to diapers at daycare, particularly if you’ve made good progress at home. Kids have a really hard time understanding exceptions to rules and thrive on consistency.

Napping and Nighttime

When to wean off diapers for naptime and nighttime varies. Many children can learn to sleep through a nap and through the night without a diaper just a few weeks after daytime training. You’ll know when the time is right when she can keep her diaper totally dry for the whole nap (or night). You may still have to get up in the middle of the night to take her to pee.

Some children will remain in diapers for nap (and night) time for quite some time. Boys seem to have a harder time with this than girls. The important thing to remember is to take the diaper off first thing in the morning so he doesn’t relapse back into the ease of wearing them all the time as before. Get into the habit of taking him to the potty right before putting on the diaper and putting him down for the nap (or night).

Day 2

If Day 1 went really well, you can try more clothing If Day 1 did not go well, stay naked. You can be the judge of this. You can reintroduce clothing, but not underwear. Underwear feels too much like a diaper.

Clothing

During these first few weeks, it’s important that pants are easy to get on and off. We really want to build confidence and decrease obstructions. If he has truly connected the dots between feeling the urge to go…and going, then pants won’t be much of an impediment.

For little girls, the easiest thing is dresses with tights. Leggings are fine too. For boys, stick to pants with elastic waistbands. For both genders, steer clear of jeans or pants with a button and a zipper—those are the hardest to manipulate when speed matters.

Day 2 goes on like Day 1, except with clothing (if you had success on Day 1). Again, lots of fluids. Going to the potty every 20-30 minutes. Everything else should basically be the same. You should still be giving your child your undivided attention and correcting accidents: “Remember, poop and pee go in the potty; now let’s clean this up.” Stay positive. Use your tools.

If the morning goes well and you’re feeling confident, try a short outing. The perfect first outing is a walk around the block. Kick off your outing with a successful pee. In fact, you’ll get in the habit of using the potty every time before you leave the house, so now’s a great time to start. If you’re driving somewhere, you can use a “Piddle Pad” if you’re concerned with your car seats. Once you get through your first outing things will just progress from there

Over time, a few things will happen:

Your child will tell you when he has to go, and
You won’t need to rely so much on tools
One day he’ll go on the potty like it’s no big—he may even go all by himself

Stop Toddler Resistance

Things evolve quickly with very young children, so you have to keep shifting what works. With potty training, it’s common that the prompts you used on Day 2 may not work at all when you’re in Week 2. The prompting evolves as using the potty becomes more routine. And as your toddler clicks into the process, you’re more likely to see her toddler stripes.

So you should shift your language. Words matter with toddlers. Language is important so you see fewer power struggles. After your child is no longer clueless about where the pee should go, but you’re still seeing resistance to go in the potty. Here’s where you want to add in some rules…and why it’s important. Use these three rules for bringing down toddler resistance to go in the potty or take a potty break.

1. Create a Rule Around “Screen Time”

You’re the expert on how much screen time is good or bad for your toddler. If you put a toddler who’s holding their pee in front of a screen-any screen, the TV, your iPad, or your smartphone-you are very likely to see an accident. A child gets so absorbed in the screen that it’s almost a subconscious release. This is an explainable accident—meaning it can be avoided.

So you can set up a screen time potty rule to prevent accidents. Set a rule that Daniel Tiger comes on after you go potty. You want to use that language, because otherwise it sounds like a bribe. Bribing a toddler is a lose/lose scenario.

Remember that a rule is a rule. That means you should not keep engaging with your toddler, because then it becomes a power struggle. Stick to your screen time rule otherwise your toddler will learn that you will bend if they act out. Less is more when it comes to setting boundaries—repeating yourself is viewed as fear and leads to more resistant from your child. They’ll sense that you’ll keep yielding.

2. Create a Rule Around Meals

Another time that’s great to start setting a potty rule is mealtimes. You want to start to normalize the process of going potty and washing hands before sitting down for a meal. This time is important for a few reasons.

Sitting for any length of time is bound to bring on an accident. So when your toddler is sitting in a high chair or booster seat for dinner, that sitting position puts pressure on the bladder. Any pee he’s holding can get pushed out and take the child by surprise. That’s why meals are an easy catch time.

Another reason to make this a rule and routine for your toddler is that it makes it so much easier when you’re out and about. Whether eating out at a cafe or having lunch at home, it helps to bring in potty rules around mealtimes.

If suddenly, just as you’re enjoying your first sit-down meal of the day, your toddler yells out “potty!” you should honor the potty call. Race over to the bathroom (or head out and use your travel potty). So, we want to try to train our toddlers to be a bit considerate of those around them. Make it routine to go potty and wash hands before meals.

Think about saying that, every day, every meal, with no energy on it. That starts to get absorbed. Normalized. Routine. Expected. Then you’ll start to see far less resistance to going potty at this important time.

3. Create a Rule Around Any Long Sitting Times

Just like the problem with meals and sitting, you can see the same kind of accidents with other long sitting times. Such as sitting in car seats, strollers, or even carriers for long periods. Start to make it a normalized part of your routine, so that your toddler will put up less resistance. They’ll realize over time that you’re not playing, that this rule is sticking. And just like with other rules, this is the way things are done now. Set up the routine for your toddler that you get pee in the potty before getting in the car (especially long car rides).

Shift your language again. “It’s our rule to potty before going in the car. Last time there was pee in the car seat. Big potty or little potty, you choose.” The book “The Montessori Toddler: A Parent’s Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being,” is all about setting up routines at home to bring down toddler resistance, and increase toddler independence.

Employing Tools

I’ve outlined some optional tools you can use. Please don’t feel like you have to do it all in order to potty train. You could also keep it simple and follow the basic method without any of the extras. Don’t feel like you need to go crazy with it. Do as much or as little as you can.

Potty Books and Movies

For the days and weeks leading up to Day One, many parents find it useful to read potty books and/or watch some potty movies to get your tot excited. Check out my favorite Potty books. You can probably borrow these from your local library:

P is for Potty! (Sesame Street) by Naomi Kleinberg and Christopher Moroney
Potty by Leslie Patricelli
The Potty Train by David Hochman, Ruth Kennison, et al.
My Thomas Potty Book (Thomas & Friends) by Random House

Potty Doll

Some parents use the potty doll as a learning tool—it’s also a fun, new toy to play with during potty training. The gist is that you show your little one how the doll works, then ask him/her to train the doll. This is one of the original tools used in Azrin and Foxx’s technique. Most little girls love dolls, but lots of little boys love dolls too.

Cool “Character” Underwear

Some children get really excited about wearing underwear, especially if it features their favorite copyrighted character. Use this to your advantage. Before you begin potty training, go out and buy your child his favorite character underwear. Get lots of it. There will be accidents, and you don’t want to run out.

Since your child holds these characters in high regard, you could tell them, for instance, to “keep Elmo dry,” or “Elmo does not want you to go potty on him.” Most children get this. So it’s another tool in your arsenal. Some people wonder about “pull-ups.” I never used those because pull-ups are just diapers with thicker sides. They look and feel just like diapers and therefore aren’t effective for potty training.

Treats

Lots of parents use treats as an incentive during potty training. A perfect treat is something small, like M&Ms, so they aren’t completely overcome with sugar. Other ideas include jelly beans, gummy bears—anything that’s small and not messy will work. Some parents frown upon using treats, and see these as “bribery”–so by all means, you don’t have to do it. Your child isn’t likely to expect treats forever. After a couple of weeks, they’ll start using the potty like normal and forget about the treats. You can always phase them out over time.

The Takeaway

This learning block process works, and more importantly, it makes sense. Instead of pressuring parents–and children–to learn potty training in a day (or three), everyone is more likely to succeed by focusing on learning each skill before moving on to the next one. You can do this. Don’t be afraid. Be cool, calm, and confident, and your child will follow your lead. Giving your child the gift of potty training is a great thing. You’ll be so proud of your child and yourself when you’re done. I’d love to hear your stories. How did potty training go for you? What advice can you share with other parents? If you’re just starting, what questions do you have?

Photo credits:
Money Crashers
Sources:
Money Crashers
Oh Crap! Potty Training Book Review & Summary
https://www.moneycrashers.com/oh-crap-potty-training-book-review-summary/
by Heather Levin
San Francisco Bay Area Moms
Your Oh Crap Potty Training Cheat Sheet
https://sanfrancisco.momcollective.com/parenting/your-oh-crap-potty-training-cheat-sheet/
By Elisa, April 16, 2020
3 Simple Rules to Stop Toddler Resistance to the Potty
https://www.ohcrappottytrainingmetoyou.com/post/3-simple-rules-to-stop-toddler-resistance-to-the-potty
Jen L’Italien – Potty Consultant
The Two-Day Method of Potty Training
https://www.lucieslist.com/guides/introduction-to-potty-training/the-two-day-method-potty-training/
Written By Meg Collins-Editor in Chief, Updated June 2020
https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/10/potty-training-twins-when-only-one-child-is-interested