Teaching Children Anger Management Skills
On a typical day, I feel more like a referee at a sporting event than a mother. I moderate arguments, stop dangerous activities before catastrophic disaster occurs, and quiet the screaming spectators. Other days, I feel more like a waitress at a busy diner. I race around to fulfill the needs of my demanding “customers.” Butter toast, prepare snacks, refill sippy cups, unwrap cheese sticks, apply bandages, desperately try to delegate chores.
And then there are days when I feel more like a zoo keeper than a mother. Where I feed my tiny creatures, clean them, then repeat until insane. My boy/girl twins were born prematurely, so from the get go they both needed a little extra help. My son did not speak until he was four years old. Many hearing tests later, all manner of specialists assured me that his hearing was fine.
To Teach We Must First Understand
Then there were the other behavioral differences: the screaming fits, the swaying, and the rocking back and forth. And contradictory behaviors: such as him not letting me out of his sight, and wanting “up” all the time. Yet, when I would attempt to kiss or hug him, he would pull away and recoil from my touch.
I took him to countless specialists and so-called “experts” over the course of so many years. Each would agree that he displayed idiosyncrasies that were out of the norm, but none could offer a definitive diagnosis. There was no consensus among them at all. I read all the literature I could find on subjects pertaining to child behavior and development. All in a desperate effort to help him.
Finally, at the beginning of 2nd grade, right after his 7th birthday, he was referred to a PhD expert for evaluation. After a full day and an extensive battery of tests, the verdict came back: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Check out my post: What is Autism? If you’d like to read more in-depth about this disorder. In the past, the diagnosis would have been Asperger Syndrome (named after pediatrician Hans Asperg).
Historically, the different aspects of autism were diagnosed individually based on how the disorder’s features manifested themselves in each child. Each cluster of features was given a different name all the way through the late 1960s. Today, thanks to the work of Jean Piaget, Lauretta Bender, Leo Kanner and Elwyn James Anthony; the five different disorders are merged under the Autism Spectrum Disorder title.
Triggers and Red Zones
That academic year, during one of the routine parent/teacher meetings, his teacher brought up one concern. It was regarding the fact that he could become frustrated to the point that he would lose his language skills. This frustration would build and escalate to him picking up his desk chair and launching it across the room. There had been a handful of these outbursts, and everyone at school was concerned. This behavior had become a safety issue for the teacher as well as the other students.
Everyone (including me) agreed that such destructive behavior caused by a high level of anger is unacceptable. There was talk of possibly taking him out of the general population and placing him in segregated classrooms. Sharing a classroom with children with more severe special needs. This change would have been devastating to his self–esteem.
I instantly went into protective “mama bear” mode. It was up to me to teach him coping mechanisms. And to give him the emotional tools to manage his frustration (and subsequent building of anger). So he could manage his own anger in more socially acceptable ways. I realized that this was time for one of those “teachable moments.”
Anger Management for Children
Everyone has anger triggers. It’s a normal part of life. In order for our children to manage their anger, they must first understand this big and complex emotion—what it feels like, what causes it, and how to manage it. For more expert advice on parenting check out The Nemours Foundation at Childrenhealth.org. As parents, it is important that we teach our little ones these four basic things:
1. What Anger Is
Children need to understand that everyone feels angry sometimes—and that is okay. Anger shouldn’t be thought of as a “bad” emotion. That said, it is important to learn how to manage anger in healthy ways with the proper coping skills.
2. What Anger Feels Like
Teach your children how to read their own body to identify when their anger is welling up. Anger may feel differently to different people. Some children may cry, others may feel their heart beating fast, and others may act out in physical ways. When a child is mindful of what anger feels like, he can stop it in its tracks with coping skills. Read more about Conflict Resolution Skills to Teach Children.
3. What Causes Anger
Help your child identify their biggest anger triggers. Do they get upset when they lose a game? Does it make them upset when they can’t do something by themselves? Are they angry when they are tired or hungry? Talking to your child about what makes them feel anger will help them start to logically think through this emotion.
4. How to Combat Anger
The final step to “quieting the storm” is to teach your child anger management activities. Tools that will help them cope with this uncomfortable feeling. Here are simple activities that your child can do to focus, relax, and think clearly.
Quiet the Storm Inside
Anger is like a storm. You can feel it rolling in, sometimes quickly and sometimes gradually. With a storm, we can simply let it come, or we can make use of tools (like opening an umbrella). Weathering a storm is similar to managing anger. Children may have to do an activity until the anger subsides. “Quiet the Storm Inside” is a free 6 page workbook designed to teach Children how to manage anger by explaining what anger is, how to identify it, what their own triggers are, and how to calm themselves down. When I sat down with my son and his ABA therapists to talk through his own triggers, and calming down. I saw an instant shift in the way he viewed his outbursts, from violent to logical.
Final Thoughts
These simple anger management skills will help your children deal with unpleasant situations. Situations they will inevitably face throughout their entire lives. Once a child learns how to calm the storm inside, he can react and respond in calm and rational ways.
If you feel that your child struggles with extreme anger, please reach out to your pediatrician as soon as possible.
If you found this helpful, share it, and check back in periodically for more honest parenting discussions.
Source:
How to Give Your Kids the Tools to Manage Anger
https://goldenslumbersphotos.com/2021/03/17/anger-management-coping-skills-for-kids/
Simply Snapping Mom